time to unwind like december

i will summarize my last four weeks in twelve easy to read steps

#1: some old man from minnesota founded this internet cafe with a simple vision: to teach people how to get rich off of computers. something about jesus and the rotary club as well. we're in bamenda where a rumor whose source i can no longer recall has told me that i can buy good white fowls, suitable for grilling at one five, down from the dschang price of two five, surely less than the occasional lewoh price of three five, (a source tells me that bangwa people will only fry chicken if they have it, not sell it, least of all to you. the same goes for cocoyams) so i plan to bring an armful of fowls with me to the gabon-equatoriale guinea border town of -----(removed at the insistence of publisher's lawyer) (sans cuidado), where i will begin a goodwill mission that ultimately fails on account of my out of control drinking. the fowls are a different thing. i have been contracted to kill a bafang fowl in february, but the bangwa have warned me that the bamileke may poison me or cause a snake to bite me if i cross them, so i will proceed with caution.

#2: in this place known as the fire inside of the forest, we marvelled at how fat the girls for, and coach said with a hint of jealousy that it was because they can eat all of the carrots and beans they want. all the same, their admirable bodies did them no good when they were defeated in the lewoh-________(name removed to discourage lonely planet editors from including it) girls handball game; a game which the referee threatened, emptily, not to allow to proceed until i payed him a four dollar bribe. he caught up with me on the walk home and requested the bribe, but we had already played and won. i was chaperone to the event and i walked with the students five hours uphill until we arrived into one of the miasmic markets typical of the region where those of the fotabong fondem (mine) could not hear all of the dialect of the mmock fondem (theirs) and reverted to pidgin when communication became difficult. the typical greeting there translates to "you have started?" instead of "has day come?," though with the same words. upon finding that their pidgin was too heavily mixed with dialect, i decided to speak only in french, which worked better than you would think

#3: having finished my chaperone duties the night before i woke up and met with coach on the road, who told me "i have passed the night well, as i slept with this my beautiful wife," indicating a woman that probably was not his wife. the occasional tourist or foreign consultant visiting would suspect foulplay on coach's part, but it's not that simple, when you consider that it is common courtesy for a man to refer to any unmarried woman past puberty as "my wife," and that "sleep with" means to be an overnight houseguest, of course the same words would be employed in discussing coitus and the woman you are married to.

#4: the fons of fontem, lewoh, mmockmbie and some other place were present for the death celebration of the...

i was a fool to think i could type these twelve up in 10 minutes. salut